Breastfeeding was one of the harder things I have ever done. I have so much more respect for the moms who can and do stick with it! You’re incredible.
I WAS 110% SET ON BREASTFEEDING MY WHOLE PREGNANCY, BASED ON ALL THE BENEFITS FOR BABY AND FOR ME WITH WEIGHT LOSS HELP AND ME GETTING TO BOND WITH MY LITTLE BOY. I WAS SO LUCKY WHEN XAVIER WAS BORN, HE LATCHED ON ALMOST PERFECTLY AS SOON AS HE WAS BORN SO THAT WAS NEVER A PROBLEM FOR US. YES IT HURT FOR THE FIRST FEW DAYS, BUT COME ON, NO ONE IS USED TO SOMEONE PULLING ON THEIR NIPPLE 10 HOURS A DAY, OF COURSE IT’S GOING TO HURT! BUT I PUSHED THROUGH! ONCE THE PAIN WENT AWAY IT WAS SMOOTH SAILING... FOR A FEW MONTHS. XAVIER HIT HIS FIRST GROWTH SPURT AND MY BODY THAT WAS ONCE MAKING EXTRA MILK THAT I COULD PUMP AND FREEZE, WAS NOW FALLING BEHIND. EVERY TIME HE ATE, WHICH SEEMED TO BE EVERY TWO HOURS AGAIN, HE WOULD SCREAM AT MY BREAST. IF HE WOULD HAVE JUST BEEN FUSSY OR SQUIRMY I KNOW I COULD HAVE GOTTEN THROUGH IT. THIS WAS A FULL ON SCREAMING CRYING, ALL BECAUSE MY MILK WASN’T COMING OUT FAST ENOUGH. CRAZY RIGHT? WELL APPARENTLY IT HAPPENS MORE OFTEN THEN YOU’D THINK.
So, I decided to just solely pump! I told myself I was disciplined enough to make it happen. Again, to those of you who only pump and keep up with your child’s needs I applaud you, you are super moms! Pumping is hard, pumping every time they eat, HARDER! By the time he eats and is down for a nap, I pump during the nap, clean the pump parts, he wakes up, plays for an hour, gets hungry again, then I pump again. This schedule left me with no time to do anything, sweaty, and mad. I began to hate pumping and that was the beginning of the end for me. I wanted my life back! But, if I went to lunch or spent his nap doing dishes or laundry then I wasn’t pumping and then I would fall behind. It was a cycle, a terrible supplementing cycle. After a month and some of only pumping I spend Easter weekend with my family and my husband’s which also meant I pumped probably 6 times in that whole weekend, and even that might be an exaggeration. Once that weekend passed I knew I was probably done in the pumping business and sadly I wasn’t upset about it. While I had my heart set on feeding him the free way for as long as I could it just didn’t play out that way, and I felt like a complete failure! I knew breast milk was the best for my baby boy and it broke my heart knowing I couldn’t give that to him for as long as I wanted. I was so disappointed in myself but I knew I was miserable pumping and what was the point in being miserable for months to come? I had to come to the realization that I’m a good mom! No matter how plans change or what I do different from my friends or my mom or the “perfect” moms I read about on the internet, I’m a good mom! We are all just out here trying to do what’s best for our babies! As long as we are all keeping them alive and happy for the most part we are doing great!
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